As with any big life event, new parents have so much to process. In the middle of the exhaustion of figuring out this new baby in their home, they get questions like, “So, you’re breastfeeding, right?” or “Did you avoid the epidural?”

Maybe those sound innocent, but the bias included can lead to added feelings for someone who is struggling with breastfeeding or who chose an epidural even though they REALLY didn’t want to go that route.

If we just go into this space with questions that have more open space to them, we allow more room for honest, transparent conversation.

How’s your heart? This question touches on the emotional aspect after having a baby. If they seem to be struggling, it could also be worded as “How’s your brain handling this transition into having a new tiny human in your family?” No response they give is wrong. No emotions are bad. You have an amazing opportunity to validate that this experience can be incredibly difficult.

How’s your body feeling? Give them permission to tell the truth. There is so much “It’s all good because the baby is here safely,” that sometimes we forget that a new parent has a physical recovery in the process.

Have you eaten recently? Which can be quickly followed by- “Can I make you a plate of snacks to sit near you so you can grab them as you feel hungry?” Because nourishment is love.

Are you getting rest? We know that rest with a new baby is likely going to stink. Instead of coming in with the attitude that new babies equal an automatic suffering, what if we all just validate that the lack of rest can make us feel like we’re losing our ever-loving minds? If they’re open to exploring some options for rest, this could be a good opportunity for that.

Do you feel supported? Honestly. Sit at their level and ask the question. And then validate the heck out of whatever their answer is… while listening for clues as to how you can fill in some of the missing support.

What can I bring you from the store? Notice the intentionality on this. “I’m going to the store anyway, so you aren’t making me go out of my way. I’m not asking if I can bring you something- I’m asking what that something is.” You could even go one step further and add: I’m happy to leave whatever it is by your front door so you don’t even have to get dressed or see another human.

Do you want to talk about your birth? Giving someone space to just talk it through can be so healing.

How is feeding going? Again- intentional. We aren’t asking what the feeding method is because we aren’t assuming. This gives space for all the feelings around anything that may not have been going well.

What would make today feel better / less stressful / more successful? Give them opportunity to identify the support that’s missing or the pieces they’re struggling with the most. It’s hard to brainstorm a solution when you’re mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.