As Doulas, we talk about sex. A lot.

We’re not out to make anyone uncomfortable when we do talk about it (and we get that it might be easier to turn on Salt N Pepa’s, “Let’s Talk About Sex” to get a good laugh), but talking about sex postpartum is something we’re just not afraid of.

We also know the topic itself is a whole new territory for many new parents. Sometimes conversations about sex can bring about a lot of feelings- some good, some awkward, and even some that are so incredibly hard to talk about.

Sex seems to be one of the aspects of postpartum that people get a bit nervous about. But also- How does sex work when one of you is lactating?

After reading that, you’re either thinking:

“Finally! Someone is telling me what to expect in bed when I’ve got a bra full of milk!”

Or,

“Well, that’s disappointing. I thought this was going to be about milk and cookies!”

For those of you who are feeding a baby with your body, the thought has probably floated through your mind more than once that intimacy might look a bit different now that you’re lactating. Other thoughts that may have drifted into that very tired new parent brain of yours might look like:

“Wait, I just had a baby on my boob all day long and now this partner of mine wants a piece too?”

“Will I even want to have sex? “

“What if milk gets everywhere?”

Here’s what we want you to know about breastfeeding and sex:

Yes, your partner may be ready for sex way before you are after having a baby. Intimacy in postpartum must be fostered. Communication between partners is so incredibly important for intimacy. It allows each of you to talk about how you are feeling and can help to create a safe space to express one another's needs in. It’s not uncommon for nursing parents to feel touched out by the constant feeding that happens with a new baby. Go slow if your body and mind need that time to adjust. Remember that your partner might feel nervous about sex too!

You may want to have sex, and you may not. Immediate needs, like feeding your baby and sleeping might take precedence. As you adjust to your new body (and ever changing breasts) there will be moments when your mind will long for those moments with your partner. Know that this period where you’re feeding a baby 8-12 times a day from your milk-filled bra are temporary little valleys in the grand scheme of things.

Let’s break this down a bit.

Breastfeeding is turbo charged by the hormone prolactin which ultimately turns down the heat on estrogen levels. Estrogen controls the excitement levels in our nether regions.

It’s science.

High Prolactin + Low Estrogen = A Wet Top and Dry Bottoms.

(Hint from the doulas: There’s lube for that.)

That initial period of breastfeeding can be a leaky, swollen, milk soaks everything kind of time. The fear that your milk might get everywhere once you finally do the deed is a completely rational concern. Breastmilk leaking during sex is to be expected. If your breasts happen to leak during bedtime fun, it may be indicative of something pleasurable happening. In fact, milk letdown can happen in the event you reach the “Big O!” Sex when you have a chest full of milk that may be leaking everywhere may not be enjoyable for some. Know that you can wear a nursing bra with nursing pads to help reduce this issue. Breastmilk can also be a big turn on for others, and as long as you’re both comfortable with where the milk might end up, then proceed,

We’re not afraid to talk about sex and the topics that come along with it.

Sex has so many moving parts, and the new arrival of hormone changes and milk changes can add to that. Know that your body did some incredible work to bring this baby into the world, and it will continue to amaze you even as time passes. Ultimately we want you to know that this is your body, and you get to decide what feels right for you.

Breast milk isn’t the end of an intimate relationship in the bedroom, it’s a new normal that we should all be talking about. .

Milk in Bed